november 15, 2001. I'm feeling all stressed: as a product is stressed before it leaves research & development, as a point is stressed by a professor with conviction. I feel deflated, yet oddly bloated. Pumped full of inadequacy like so many nachos. This damn month is starving me to death, filling me with empty moments that contain nothing to nourish the soul. Except that it's not November. It's that everything seems harder than it has to be and I spend far too many moments pining for things I can't have anymore. Like a car. Or an hour a day to spend as a choose, an hour that does not subtract itself from the round of obligations I dance through every week. School ~ home ~ church ~ SMILE ~ work ~ la ~ la ~ la. I'm sick of it all. I pine for familiar faces, yet when asked out by the locals I am repelled by the idea of leaving the house. I'm sick of waiting for things to get better. I'm sick of making a stiff upper lip and I'm sick of that aforementioned lip taking all of my energy. I'm sick of wanting to quit my job and sick of knowing that I'm the only one bringing home a pay cheque (and the cat doesn't even pretend to look through the want ads anymore). I'm sick of thinking about shallow things all day and I'm sick of the worry that I must be truly shallow for wanting ease when I have joy. Brief joys, small joys, but honest to goodness 24 karat joys that cluster around sleeping and waking. Those are the times that I can relax and simply be with the Boy. As you might guess, I've oversleeping a lot lately. I just can't bear to leave the clean cotton womb and push through the weary old world. That's what it feels like, pushing, like I'm hauling myself through a soup of frustration by main force. The smallest things bring me to tears and I can't blame hormones every day of the month. All I'm left with is the simple desire to see spring graduation and be done with this ugly cold season. No, there's really no point in reminding me that there are at least 6 more months of cold to be borne. No point whatsoever. this time last year: rain